The subject of memories continues to throw up new nuances. The trigger for today’s musing is hearing (a number of times about a number of different people) “I didn’t know that X used to….” – its a phrase that is heard a lot these days.
I guess that is something to do with the geographical mobility we have now – it is increasingly likely that the people who surround us at any particular point in our lives have only known us for a (relatively) small percentage of that life. As a result they don’t know about our “past” – and whilst there are some in the world who are only too pleased to have their pasts hidden, for most this means that others will be deprived of all but a limited view of our skills and capabilities.
This also goes for our relationships – “I didn’t know that you knew Y” is a similar phrase that emphasises the popular view that its a small world. I have even had “I didn’t know she was your sister” – quite a few times. It is all no surprise – for two reasons – the first is that we ourselves take these things for granted and the second is that for others there is often no reason for them to ever find out this information.
The most obvious disconnect is the temporal one that I have been talking about – things that I did thirty or forty years ago are not going to be at the forefront of the awareness of someone that I have only known for ten years!! No wonder, since many of them won’t even be at the forefront of our own awareness. However there are other disconnects.
I have talked before about the “different worlds” in which each of us operates – our family, our work colleagues, our church companions, our sports ‘playmates’ and so on (see for instance Living in Parallel Worlds). The amount of overlap between these worlds can vary between complete and nil. Without constantly recording (and replaying) what happens within each “world” there is no way that the other “worlds” can know everything about it.
That is not wrong – if my work colleagues wanted to know all about my church then they could join that world. Some worlds are more ‘closed’ than others – and each also operates such that the temporal disconnects occur. My “work life” within a ‘single company’ is such that only one person was here when I joined and is still here now. Even then there it would be difficult for us to “know” all about the other since we have both spent some time on different sites and only rarely have we worked on the same project.
So – no one knows about the wonderful job I did just a few months after joining – and I can say it was wonderful because no one can contradict me 😂😂
The same is true within each of the “worlds” and is even more true across the boundaries. Indeed, there are even “worlds” that most (if not all) people who know me now would not even know that I ever belonged to.
Our knowledge of each other in the “now” is very far from complete, so it is no surprise that there are gaping holes in the knowledge we have of each other in the past. Our pasts may not be very “joined up”. There are people around who knew me “as a lad” – but few who actually could follow that “knowing” all the way through to now. There are times where our worlds were sufficiently separated to ensure that huge gaps would open up in the “completeness” of our knowing.
It would be illuminating to do an experiment – a set of true/false statements and see what pattern emerged of “who knows what” – there would also be an “I don’t know” option so that I could weed out those who were just guessing!!
So – this isn’t something to worry about – that is clear – but it is something that we must always bear in mind when we think of others. We need to be aware of our lack of insight into their lives.
Although the title is “You Don’t Know Me” it could equally have been “I Don’t Know You” or better “We Don’t Know Each Other” – where “We” is very much the collective.