When I started writing these blog entries I had no idea what the precise nature of the content would be – in some cases it was a subject matter that has occupied my thoughts for a long time; in some it was something that I felt I needed to just understand my own thoughts; and in some – like this one – the subject matter is something that I just did not expect!!
As soon as I was given the news I think I was reasonably sure that this was something that would result in a series of entries here – in some ways it is a bit suprising that it has taken so long to get round to making the first entry!! It seems right and fitting that I should record some of my thinking – partly just to allow me to “think it through” sufficiently to create a coherent story; partly so that I can look back on it and understand where my head was at various stages; maybe even as a little bit of a help to someone reading it.
So – what is the subject matter? Well it is that which cannot be named – or at least that is the case for many people – the adult equivalent of the bogeyman!! The discovery that perhaps you are not quite so invulnerable as you thought you were…..
I have been diagnosed with a cancer. When the consultant says “you have cancer” it is certainly not the news you want to hear. However, it is what comes next that is most important. There are many different cancers; there are many variants of these. Yes – some are effectively a death sentence – especially when the cancer remains undiscovered – however, many are now eminently treatable and/or curable.
Anyone reading this blog carefully will already have seen my most recent reading material – the book Anticancer: a New Way of Life – a book to be recommended by the way.
Fortunately, the precise diagnosis for me has – so far at least – been positive. A raft of tests and scans has failed to reveal any of the “nasty” variants of my cancer. So – in some ways I was the recipient of the best of bad news. 😉 Yes – I will need treatment; No – they cannot currently cure me – however, if and when the cancer returns there are treatment options for that as well. So – hope amidst the somewhat life changing circumstances.
There is no way that I can capture everything in this one blog entry – so you will have to be patient – oops, no, its me who is the patient 😀 – and wait for future updates. My intention is not to give a “blow by blow” account of my treatment – although some of that may come out along the way – rather I want to give the reader some insight into that which doesn’t show – my thoughts – my feelings – yes, probably my anxieties and concerns.
Given that the ‘lifetime risk’ of cancer is getting closer to 50% it sort of makes sense that we will be aware of more and more people who are affected – over four people in every ten will likely be diagnosed as having cancer sometime during their lifetime. So – why should it not be me!!
OK – so that is the introductory bit – would be useful to include at least one bit about my thinking in this initial post.
Its useful that I can actually link some of this to my previous thinking (indeed some of what has already been written in previous blog entries) and, in some ways, be able to confirm that some of the things that I have sort of theorised about (and in some cases given other people advice about) I have been able to live out in practice.
On countless occasions I have ‘preached’ the message that we have very little control over much of our lives. It is, perhaps, too easy to look at the past at times like this and think about “what has caused this to happen”. Can you think of things that you have done – eating the wrong foods – not exercising enough – or whatever and attaching blame. Sure, it is likely (no – certain) that there are some things in my past which have contributed to it.
However, what about the other side of the equation. What things have I done – what foods have I eaten – and how has running marathons contributed to me not developing cancer at an earlier age.
Truth is – it is probably impossible to tell – but it is, for me, important to realise that its not as easy as “pointing a finger” at anything and saying “you are to blame” – how wrong that could be. The reality is (as I have stated before) that everything we have encountered up until NOW in our life has had some sort of effect – perhaps it was something that someone else did – or did not do – that gave me the cancer – perhaps someone else has helped keep it at bay until now.
This is where my thinking comes back to Viktor Frankl – good and bad experiences in the past combine to make us what we are – and we are not able to tell whether ‘removing’ the bad experiences would leave us in a better place now – BUT – on the balance of probabilities there are far more “worse” places to be than there are “better” places. (see also my post on Inspirational Writing)
The other thing I want to talk about in this first post is people – the way that people react is ever so important -and, I think, to a certain extent they take their lead from your own actions and attitudes. I have only made this widely known within the last few days – already I have had great examples of “dealing” with it. Of course, not everyone can do so, but even those who are unsure what to say have managed to convey the right emotion – that is what matters.
Importantly, I have had really good support and understanding from those who are very close to me – they know how I tick; they know how I deal with things.
Its not all positive, of course, and I can really understand how – without appropriate support and friendships – some people could find the whole experience overwhelming.
I don’t want to make any individual post on this subject too long and involved – I’ll try instead to concentrate on a single aspect – something that is important for me and which I would like to tell.
Thanks for listening……