Helping is difficult – we have all seen the joke about the boy scout helping the old woman across the road – with the denouement that she didn’t actually want to cross it in the first place. In ‘real life’ not only do we find situations exactly analogous to that, but we also find that the ‘old woman’ simply resents the fact that she had to be helped.
I guess that this is something that I have been aware of for a long time. You see someone who needs some help – but – you know that if you offer to assist you are in danger of either making that person feel inadequate or (perhaps worse) the ‘helped’ person begins to feel indebted to the helper!
Of course there is another problem – sometimes we are not qualified or competent enough to administer the help – this brings another quandary – because if in that case you go ahead with helping there is a significant chance that you do more harm than good – on the other hand if you don’t help there is every likelihood that the (now unhelped) other person takes your inaction for a refusal to help rather than an inability to help. Either of those two scenarios results in a significant strain on the relationship.
This is not good and, in many ways it is a no-win situation – it is more than unlikely that you will ever be thanked for keeping your nose out of a situation that you are unqualified to sort out.
However, the situation where help “does more harm than good” is much more insidious and can be much more damaging to both parties. The “old woman” ends up either worried sick about how she can ever pay back the kindness or depressed because her own abilities have been (in her eyes) reduced even further.
So – helping those you care for becomes a bit like walking a tightrope – it is very easy to lose balance – balance between providing positive reassurance and sensible advice on the one hand and reinforcing the insecurities and trotting out soundbites on the other. Of course (like the old woman) there is a danger that the very thing that you are trying to help is something that the other person has been in denial about and simply offering the advice starts a downward spiral instead of an upward one. Of course, a state of denial is rarely a good place to start from – but pointing out a ‘problem’ that hasn’t previously been noticed by anyone else is rarely going to be a welcome intervention.
Part of this is rooted in the fact that we can NEVER know everything about another person’s situation – even when they have told all they know you are left with a partial story since what they ‘know’ is also incomplete. We are all adept at leaping to conclusions that solve a partial problem – but create untold new ones at the same time. This of course is reflected in many other things that I have written.
Every relationship is an intricate dance – always trying to ‘improve’ the connection – but it is fraught with dangers – and providing ‘helpful’ advice and assistance is high on the list of “difficult to deal with” situations.
Just for once I even have a bit of ‘professional’ back up for my ‘opinions’ – check out Close Encounters.