When writing to a friend this morning I found myself unable to find anything worthwhile to say because all the ‘obvious’ responses were sounding like platitudes. You know the sort – someone is feeling a bit “down” and you say “pull yourself together” – or someone tells you that they have broken their leg and you say “hope it gets better soon”!!
There is quite a difference between the two examples I just gave. The latter was the type of “meaningless statement” that I was tempted to employ today – the former, on the other hand, is not just an unthinking response to the situation – it is also possibly detrimental – but that is a different story – for now Iwant to just say a little about the difficulty in making an empathetic response sound sincere.
There are only so many ways you can respond to hearing some sorts of news. The problem is that most of them convey a certain amount of disregard for the gravity of the situation. If someone really has broken their leg – of course its a good thing if it gets better soon!!! There are several responses in this category – “hope it doesn’t hurt too much” – “hope that it mends well” – all of which are certainly true – but scream “I can’t think of anything worthwhile to say, so I just said something that popped into my head”!
One of the problems is that if you are to go beyond the “instant” response you start to run the risk of sowing seeds of doubt instead of shoots of hope. Its almost certainly worse to say “Let’s hope you aren’t left with a limp”!! That may well be something that hasn’t even crossed their mind until you say it “trying to be sympathetic”. We have all ‘been there’ – watched/listened to someone – with the best of intentions – say something that provides no comfort – but instead multiplies the agonies!!
The obsession with social media – and in particular the “status” on Facebook – seems to encourage the platitude. It is almost de rigeur to “like” a status update that breaks bad news!! It is nearly as common to then make a comment along the lines of “thinking of you” or “hope all is well” – which may well be very sincere, but in a list of dozens of such comments seems to be somewhat lacking in real concern.
The alternative is to not comment – but that looks almost worse – even if you have sent a private message instead. However – this is all how you look to the “world” around – what about how this comes across to the recipient. I suspect that, for the most part, the flurry of messages will be comforting regardless of what they actually say. So the ‘typical’ social media exchange is probably not a bad thing.
Its much more difficult when the response is a one-to-one situation away from the glare of “the public”. When someone tells you that their (much loved) aunt may need to go into hospital with some sort of mystery illness it is difficult to respond to that without resorting to “I am sure it will be OK” (when you are nothing of the sort) or “at least she will get the treatment she needs” (when its possible that they will still not be able to identify the cause) or “hope she is better soon” (when she may never be getting better) or some other platitudinous nonsense.
Each and every platitude could also be prefaced with “Don’t worry” – which is, of course the very reason why you are being told in the first place – if there was “no worry” involved then it stops being newsworthy. Yes – worrying won’t make any difference to the outcome – but that is not enough to stop the worrying. Its almost certain that the other person already knows that worrying is only going to make things worse for them.
OK – so you have probably noticed by now that I am “anti-platitude” – what is the alternative?
I think you simply need to avoid making any predictions about what will or will not happen – because you don’t know – and you need to avoid saying things that are merely stating the obvious. On the positive side of the ledger you need to demonstrate that you ‘understand’ the situation from the point of view of the other person.
Saying “you must be worried” doesn’t cut it in that regard!! It is essential to do better than that. You must try to show that you understand the implications of the situation – that is why the platitudes don’t work right – they often show a disregard for anything other than the ‘obvious’, ‘in your face’ aspect of the situation.
Some of the response needed begins to sound like the “touchy feely” advice you might get from a life coach regarding how to ‘deal’ with situations – but as long as it is genuine and not simply doing things by rote then it is indeed the correct response. Try to indicate that you know how they are feeling or – if you are unsure, or even just want confirmation, then ask. Yes, its easy to make “and how does that make you feel” sound like you have merely read the latest self help amateur psychologist book – but understanding that is essential to making the correct response.
The reason for that is simply because each person will have a different reaction – it is dangerous to ‘assume’ that the other person’s reaction is the same as your’s would have been. The range of response to receiving any bad news is huge. If someone is told that they have cancer – they may take the news stoically; they may break down and be unable to accept it; they may charge into battle against the disease determined to beat it; and so on… It is to judge where on that spectrum the other person is that you need to ask the equivalent of “and how does that make you feel”! Of course – if it is someone close – you will probably have a good idea – however, it is still dangerous to assume that you “know”.
Underestimating the extent of the impact of the news and overestimating it are both equally likely to cause misunderstandings. Far better that the conversation happens to establish the feelings that have been engendered.
So – platitudes need to be avoided – that much is certain – beyond that – as usual – what needs to be emphasised is communication over assumption.
Postscript Note : After writing this – but before posting it – I found myself for the second time today in the situation where it would have been easy to say “hope everything is OK” – when I knew full well it wasn’t!! I hope I managed to do a little bit better than that….